Why I Cheated on My Husband
The first question that comes to mind when a spouse cheats is:
Why? A recent study by the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada,
attempted to answer that question and found that the reasons behind
infidelity differ greatly between the sexes. For men, it’s
typically about the sex—the more sexually excitable they are, the
more likely they are to cheat. For women, it’s more about the level
of satisfaction in her relationship; if a woman is unhappy in her
marriage, she’s 2.6
times more likely to cheat. Regardless of the reason, there’s one
thing that’s certain: infidelity is devastating. But there can be a
silver lining. “In many cases, it forces issues to the surface of a
relationship that would have never otherwise been dealt with,” says
Kevin Hansen, author of Secret Regrets:
What if You Had a Second Chance? Read on to discover what
life lessons these five women gained through their personal
experiences with infidelity—and what you can learn from their
Discover 11 signs that he might be having an
“My husband was abusive.”
“From the day I married my husband, I knew it was a mistake,” says
50-year-old Elizabeth Smith.* “He was abusive, controlling and
expected me to quit my job to make a home for him.” A little over a
year into the marriage, she began having an affair with a man that
she worked with. “I had no illusions that I was in love, but it was
eye-opening to be with someone that made me feel good about myself,
made me laugh and respected me for who I was—not who he wanted me
to be,” she says. “The affair helped me find myself and proved to
me that I could live a life independent of my husband. It also gave
me the courage to ask for a divorce. Twenty-five years later, I’m
married to a wonderful man. We love making each other happy, and
never try to change who the other person is,” she says.
What You Can Learn: While the confidence gained
from the affair may have given her the spark she needed to get out
of a bad relationship, New York City psychologist Michael E.
Silverman, PhD, says if you’re in an abusive relationship,
deception isn’t the best way to deal with it. Get help first from a
trusted friend, family member, therapist or
one of the numerous nationwide resources instead.
“We began to resent each other.”
When Vanessa Myers*, 28, married her husband six years ago, they
both couldn’t wait to have children, but after their wedding day something
changed for her. “I started to really love my job, and kids didn’t
seem to fit into the picture,” she says. Her husband was hurt by
her change of heart, and began to resent her. “We started fighting
a lot, and I resented him for resenting me and we were just
constantly hurting each other,” she says. “One night I caught him
trying to slip off the condom and that was pretty much the end of
our sex life.” Ultimately, the lack of intimacy caused Vanessa to
cheat. “I met a guy online and we dated for about a year,” she
says. “It ended when my husband caught me.” Vanessa and her husband
agreed to seek therapy separately and together, and were able to
save their marriage. “The biggest lesson I learned was that if I
was unhappy in my marriage, my husband was only 50% to blame.
[Having] an affair gave me the courage to ask for what I wanted in
my marriage,” she says. What You Can Learn: While
what her husband did may be shocking, the fact that there was
unaddressed anger in the relationship created fertile ground for an
affair, says Dr. Silverman. “Coupled with the lack of sexual
intimacy there was nothing left to hang a relationship on,” he says
Even though the affair helped Vanessa learn some valuable lessons
and the relationship was ultimately saved, Dr. Silverman stresses
the importance of open and honest communication in a relationship
as a way for a couple to stay connected—before one of the spouses
seeks comfort or intimacy outside of the marriage.
Discover 9 signs your marriage might be over.
“I was bored and unhappy.”
At 35-years-old, Barbara Gisborne was living the American dream.
She lived in Madison, Wisconsin, with her loving husband and two
children—but she was miserable. “My husband was a good man, but I
was bored inside and out,” she says. “In our community, I always
felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.” That year,
she was in Chicago on business and met Bob, an Australian man, on
an elevator. “We had an instant connection. We exchanged numbers,
kept in touch, and I decided to fly out to Australia to see him and
get him out of my system,” she says. “Instead, I fell in love.” She
left everything she knew—her hometown, her husband, her job and her
country—to start her life over with Bob in Australia. “I became
strong, independent, confident and much worldlier,” she says. “That
was 25 years ago and now I can say that my affair was the turning
point in my life’s journey. Today, Bob and I are married, own a
winery in Australia, and have five children and 10 grandchildren
between us.” What You Can Learn: Though
Barbara's story ended up with a "happily ever after,"
that's not always the case when it comes to infidelity, which
is why Dr. Silverman suggests looking inside yourself if you're
unhappy or bored with your relationship. “Healthy relationships
grow and evolve, and feeling bored is a symptom of relationship
stagnation. Rather than having an affair, increase the romance,
change habitual patterns within the relationship and communicate
more about your feelings and needs.” If you just need a change of
pace, try booking an exotic vacation with your husband or
girlfriends, or discuss moving to a new city and starting over.
“My husband was a workaholic.”
For 10 years, 49-year-old Barbara Singer created a life independent
of her husband because he was never around. “Gary was totally
consumed and exhausted by his work—there was nothing left for me,”
she says. “I was totally committed to my family and gave it my
all, but knew in my heart that I certainly did not want this for
rest of my life.” One night, she met up with Tom, an acquaintance,
and ended up staying out all night with him. Within a few weeks of
meeting him, she ended her marriage, and two years later, she and
Tom were married. But within a month, he died of a heart attack.
“Meeting Tom was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.
He came into my life and woke me up, showing me…that life is
precious and that at any given moment, it can all be taken away, so
if I have a dream or a goal, I better get moving on it,” she says.
What You Can Learn: “Barbara felt alone for many
years, and feeling disconnected from your partner is the genesis of
most of the affairs I see in my practice,” says Dr. Silverman. The
remedy? Speak up and begin a dialogue with your partner. Engaging
in open, honest communication about your needs with your husband is
the key to help a stalled marriage.
To find out more about Barbara’s story, go to LivingWithoutReservations.com.
Discover 10 things your boss won't tell
“He was unfaithful first.”
Larie Norvell had only been married about a year when she found out
that her husband had cheated on her. “I was very angry, but I was
also very hurt, because I felt like I wasn’t enough for him—like
there was something I wasn’t doing for him as his wife, which is
why he felt the need to go outside of our marriage,” says the
33-year-old. That jumble of mixed emotions was the impetus for her
affair. “I cheated on him—mostly for revenge, but in retrospect it
was also because I wanted validation. I wanted to know that I was
still desirable to other men,” she says. Once her affair was
discovered, the couple separated for a few months—but then began to
seek counseling and were able to salvage their marriage.
What You Can Learn: Retribution is a common
feeling when someone has been betrayed, says Dr. Silverman. “Anger
can be quite powerful in clouding one’s judgment,” he says, which
is why he urges any couple dealing with infidelity to seek
counseling. Fortunately for Larie, her relationship endured the
double deception. “The biggest lesson we’ve learned through all the
struggles in 14 ½ years is that we are enough for each other,” she
: Oct 25, 2011 by admin
dumped shares of Netflix in after-hours trading after the company
announced Monday afternoon that it had lost 810,000 subscribers in the
third quarter while warning that sales and earnings would fall short of
expectations in the fourth quarter.
At one point, shares of Netflix fell more than 31% in response
to the disclosure, which accompanied the company's Q3 earnings
Netflix finished the quarter with 23.8 million
subscribers period, falling short of the 24 million subscribers
management had forecast. Management expects to gain U.S. subscribers in
the current quarter, although Netflix didn't set a specific target.
The company earned $62.5 million, or $1.16, per share, in the third
quarter. That compared to income of $38 million, or 70 cents per share,
at the same time last year.
Netflix's customers began a
revolt when CEO Reed Hastings decided to raise prices for a popular
subscription plan. Instead of paying $10 for access to both DVD-by-mail
operations as well as streaming video, Netflix broke up each delivery
method into separate plans that coast $7.99 each.
He followed up on that by announcing last month he would spin off
DVD-by-mail operations into a separate service called Qwikster. It
didn't help boost confidence much when he abruptly scrapped the Qwikster
plan three weeks later. Netflix appeared rudderless.
In a letter to subscribers it issued, Netflix detailed the chronology of errors that it said would hurt its fourth quarter performance:
We think that $7.99 for unlimited streaming and $7.99 for unlimited DVD
are both very aggressive low prices, relative to competition and to the
value of the services, and they are the right place for Netflix to be in
the long term. What we misjudged was how quickly to move there. We
compounded the problem with our lack of explanation about the rising
cost of the expansion of streaming content, and steady DVD costs, so
that absent that explanation, many perceived us as greedy. Finally, we
announced and then retracted a separate brand for DVD. While this
branding incident further dented our reputation, and caused a temporary
cancellation surge, compared to our price change, its impact was
relatively minor. Our primary issue is many of our long-term members
felt shocked by the pricing changes, and more of them have expressed
that by cancelling Netflix than we expected.
Because of this, our revenue and profits in Q4 will be
lower than we had anticipated, but we'll remain profitable on a global
basis. In Q1'12 we'll be launching in the UK and Ireland, as we had
planned. For a few quarters starting in Q1, we expect the costs of our
entry into the UK and Ireland will push us to be unprofitable on a
global basis; that is, domestic profits will not be large enough to both
cover international investments and pay for global G&A and
Technology & Development. After launching the UK and Ireland, we
will pause on opening new international markets until we return to
global profitability. We plan to do that by increasing our global
streaming subscriber base faster than we increase our costs.
"The last few months...have been difficult for shareholders, employees,
and most unfortunately, many members of Netflix," Hastings wrote in the
letter to investors. "We've hurt our hard-earned reputation."
: Oct 20, 2011 by admin
Joe Jonas' solo debut album, Fastlife, enters The Billboard 200 at #15, with sales of just 18K copies. That's a far cry from Jonas Brothers' fastest-selling album, A Little Bit Longer,
which blew through 525,000 copies in its first week in June 2008.
Simple math tells us that for every 29 fans who bought that album, just
one die-hard loyalist sprung for this album.
The tally for Fastlife is about one-quarter of that rung up by Nick Jonas & the Administration's Who I Am, which debuted at #3 in February 2010 with sales of 82K. (The third member of the trio, Kevin Jonas, has yet to release his first post-JoBros album.)
Nobody ever said graduating from teen idol stardom to mainstream pop success was easy.
reached their peak in 2007 and 2008 with the hits "S.O.S.," "When You
Look Me In The Eyes" and "Burnin' Up." In June 2008, the group was
featured alongside Demi Lovato in the Disney Channel TV movie Camp Rock. Eight months later, the group starred in a theatrical release, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience.
In June 2009, the group released Lines, Vines And Trying Times. It sold fewer than half as many copies in its first week (247,000) as A Little Bit Longer
had just 10 months earlier. That's how fast teen-idol stardom can start
to fade. The very next month, the inevitable happened. Someone came
along who was even younger and cuter. Justin Bieber was 15 when he launched a string of hits with "One Time."
Justin Timberlake, who was 17 when *NSYNC
first hit the chart in April 1998, is a rare example of a boy band
alumni who went on to a successful solo career. Timberlake's first solo
album, Justified, debuted at #2 in November 2002, with first-week sales of 439,000.
In a feature on Jonas in last week's Billboard,
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd observed, "Transforming a charmed teenhood
career into a viable adult one is possibly one of the entertainment
industry's most difficult feats. For every Justin Timberlake, there are
10 former boy-band members whose post-group disinterest led them to hang
up their hats."
Case in point: JC Chasez, who was also in *NSYNC. Chasez's first solo album, Schizophrenic, debuted and peaked at #17 in March 2004, with first-week sales of 52K.
Two members of New Kids on the Block also experienced modest sales with their solo debut albums, which were released a decade after the group's heyday. Joey McIntyre's Stay The Same debuted and peaked at #49 in March 1999, with first-week sales of 31K. An eponymous album by Jordan Knight debuted and peaked at #29 that June, with first-week sales of 42K.
Even Michael Jackson faced some bumps in the road making the transition from teen idol to mainstream pop star. His first two solo albums, Got To Be There and Ben, were big hits in 1972 (the year he turned 14), but his next two studio albums didn't go far. Music & Me, released in 1973, peaked at #92. Forever, Michael, released in 1975 when he was a no-longer-cute 16, stalled at #101. (Things fell into place for him in 1979 with Off The Wall, which was released just before his 21st birthday.)
tough going for yesterday's teen idols, as their young fans move on to
other acts and other interests. But opportunities come around
again-eventually. The NKOTBSB tour, featuring New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys, has been a big hit. (Their NKOTBSB
album has sold 113K copies since its release in May.) It's possible
that a JoBros reunion tour will also be a hit down the line.
Evanescence's first album in five years, Evanescence, debuts at #1, just as its last album, The Open Door, did in 2006. But the sales tally is way down. This album started with 127K. The Open Door opened with 447K.
holds at #2. It has sold more copies so far this year than the year's
next two best-selling albums combined (the runners-up are Lady Gaga's Born This Way and Lil Wayne's Tha Carter IV). If this stat holds up through the rest of the year (and I think it will), 21
will become only the second album in Nielsen SoundScan history to sell
more copies than the year's next two best-sellers combined. In 2004, Usher's Confessions sold more than the combined total of runners-up Norah Jones' Feels Like Home and Eminem's Encore.
and Adele both won Grammys as Best New Artist. This marks the first
time that the top two albums were by past Best New Artist winners since
September 2010, when Zac Brown Band's You Get What You Give and Maroon 5's Hands All Over debuted in the top two spots.
Five Finger Death Punch's American Capitalist debuts at #3. It's the hard rock band's third album; its second top 10 album in a row and its highest-charting album to date.
American Idol Season 10 winner Scotty McCreery and runner-up Lauren Alaina are both listed in the top five this week. McCreery's Clear As Day drops from #1 to #4. Alaina's Wildflower debuts at #5. This marks the first time that both of the top two Idol contestants in a given season have appeared in the top five simultaneously since December 2005, when Season 4 winner Carrie Underwood's Some Hearts was #2 and runner-up Bo Bice's Real Thing was #4.
The Fine Print: Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks and runner-up Katharine McPhee both made the top five, but they didn't appear in the top five simultaneously. The same was true of Season 7 winner David Cook and runner-up David Archuleta.
Martina McBride's 11th studio album, Eleven, debuts at #10. It's her sixth top 10 album. Only two other core country female artists, Reba McEntire and LeAnn Rimes, have had as many or more top 10 albums. They have each had eight. One crossover star, Linda Ronstadt, has had 10 top 10 albums, but her sound and appeal went far beyond country.
"We Found Love" by Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris
holds at #1 for the second week in the U.K. How close will it come to
hitting #1 in the U.S. (Here's a hint: It jumps to #3 on Hot Digital
Songs.) You'll find out when we post Chart Watch: Songs later today.
Shameless Plug: Adele
is a cinch to win Grammys for Album and Record of the Year, but what
will her competition be? We won't know for sure until the nominations
are announced on Nov. 30, but I'll make some educated guesses in a blog
that will go up later this week. I'll also preview the Best New Artist
category, where Nicki Minaj
is the front-runner. This will kick off a series of blogs in which I
preview the Grammy nominations in the pop, rock, R&B, rap and
Here's the low-down on this week's top 10 albums.
1. Evanescence, Evanescence,
127,000. This new entry is the group's second #1 album in a row; its
third to make the top five. The album sold 58K digital copies, which
puts it at #1 on Top Digital Albums. Two songs from the album are listed
on Hot Digital Songs. "Lost In Paradise" debuts at #53. "What You Want"
bows at #118.
2. Adele, 21,
111,000. The former #1 album holds at #2 for the second week. This is
its 34th week on the chart. It has been in the top five the entire time.
Four songs from the album are listed on Hot Digital Songs, topped by
"Someone Like You," which is #1 for the fourth week.
3. Five Finger Death Punch, American Capitalist, 91,000. This new entry is the group's second top 10 album. War Is The Answer hit #7 in 2009. "Remember Everything" enters Hot Digital Songs at #148.
4. Scotty McCreery, Clear As Day,
88,000. The former #1 album drops from #1 to #4 in its second week.
It's #1 on Top Country Albums for the second week. Two songs from the
album are listed on Hot Digital Songs. "I Love You This Big" drops from
#83 to #113. "The Trouble With Girls" drops from #137 to #161.
5. Lauren Alaina, Wildflower, 69,000. This new entry is Alaina's first album. Alaina was runner-up on Season 10 of American Idol.
Two songs from the album are listed on Hot Digital Songs. "Dirt Road
Prayer" enters at #95. "Like My Mother Does" re-enters at #109.
6. Tony Bennett, Duets II,
55,000. The former #1 album drops from #3 to #6 in its fourth week. It
has been in the top 10 the entire time. The album has sold 396K copies
to date, not bad for an old guy.
7. Ryan Adams, Ashes & Fire, 49,000. This new entry is Adams' second top 10 album. It ties 2007's Easy Tiger as his highest-charting album to date.
8. Lady Antebellum, Own The Night,
47,000. The former #1 album drops from #4 to #8 in its fifth week. It
has been in the top 10 the entire time. Two songs from the album are
listed on Hot Digital Songs. "Just A Kiss" drops from #33 to #35. "We
Owned The Night" drops from #58 to #68.
9. Lil Wayne, Tha Carter IV,
45,000. The former #1 album drops from #6 to #9 in its seventh week. It
has been in the top 10 the entire time. Four songs from the album are
listed on Hot Digital Songs, topped by "How To Love," which drops from
#22 to #28.
10. Martina McBride, Eleven,
40,000. This new entry is McBride's sixth top 10 album. "I'm Gonna Love
You Through It" jumps from #197 to #58 on Hot Digital Songs.
Jack's Mannequin's People & Things plummets from #9 to #85 in its second week. Easy come, easy go. Four other albums drop out of the top 10. J. Cole's Cole World: The Sideline Story drops from #5 to #11, Feist's Metals drops from #7 to #23, Rodney Atkins' Take A Back Road drops from #8 to #25, and Blink-182's Neighborhoods drops from #10 to #26.
The soundtrack to the reboot of Footloose
vaults from #136 to #16 in its third week. It's the week's #1
soundtrack. The soundtrack to the 1984 original version logged 10 weeks
at #1 on The Billboard 200. It was the highest-charting soundtrack for 19 weeks. Kenny Loggins' recording of the title song, from the original version, enters Hot Digital Songs this week. It has sold 849K digital copies.
Johnny Gill's first album in 15 years, Still Winning,
bows at #17. It's the eighth top 20 album of Gill's career. He made the
top 20 with two previous solo albums, three albums with New Edition and two albums with LSG...An eponymous album by Hunter Hayes bows at #18...Adele's 19 drops from #19 to #22. It's #1 on Top Catalog Albums for the 23rd week...Britney Spears' B In The Mix: Remixes, Vol. 2 debuts at #46. It's off to a much faster start than the first volume, which peaked at #134 in 2005...James Morrison's The Awakening debuts at #48. The album was #1 in the U.K. for two weeks before falling to #5 this week.
Taylor Swift's Journey To Fearless enters Top Music Videos at #1. This is Swift's second music video to reach #1. CMT Crossroads, with Def Leppard, debuted at #1 in June 2009.
Real Steel was #1 at the box-office for the second straight weekend. The soundtrack features Bad Meets Evil, Beastie Boys, Foo Fighters, 50 Cent and the Crystal Method. It sold about 1K copies, too few to make The Billboard 200.
Coming Attractions: Casting Crowns' Come To The Well will battle with Adele's album for the #1 spot next week. Also due: Joe's The Good, The Bad, The Sexy, Jane's Addiction's The Great Escape Artist, M83's Hurry Up, We're Dreaming, The Original 7even's Condensate, (they're the band formerly known as The Time), Lalah Hathaway's Where It All Begins and Patrick Stump's first full-length solo album, Soul Punk.
Lady Gaga's meteoric rise to superstardom can be attributed
to her catchy songs, shocking costumes, and wild media antics.
But her perseverance is arguably the personality trait
that has benefitted her career the most.
This week, L.A. Reid, "X Factor" judge and former
president of Island Def Jam, confirmed reports that he stalled Lady Gaga's
music pursuits early in her career. Reid signed the "Born This Way" singer to
IDJ but released her from her contract within a few months.
Reid explained his dealings with Gaga during an interview
with Access Hollywood. "One day this artist came to my office. She played
piano. She had white gogo boots all the way up to here, thigh high boots. She
sat down at that piano and she played and she sang and when she was done I
said, 'You are an amazing artist, and you will change music.' And I signed her.
Her name was Lady Gaga," Reid said.
But when Reid heard Gaga's demos three months later, he
had a change of heart. "It was a work in progress, and I was having a bad day,"
Reid said. "I said, ‘You know, I really don't like it. You know, let her have
her freedom. Let her have her career. Let her go find it.' It was the worst
thing I've ever done."
Lady Gaga cried for an entire day after receiving the
news, the artist said during an interview for the MTV special, "Lady Gaga: Inside
But she got over it, ultimately landing a record deal
with Interscope Records, a company that supported her artistic vision and helped
her become one of pop music's biggest stars.
Lady Gaga is one of many of today's household names that
were also rejected by major labels before landing big breaks. 50 Cent, Alicia
Keys, and Beyoncé were also met with similar setbacks.
Alicia Keys had been signed to Columbia Records for two
years before her recording contract was terminated and she pursued other
"Sony (Columbia's parent company) hadn't really figured
out what to do with her, lots of changes had taken place at the company, and
Alicia wasn't happy there," Peter Edge, the A&R executive who later brought
her to Arista Records, told Hitquarters.com. Edge said Alicia and her manager
were savvy enough to get out of their deal.
Things were much more traumatic
for 50 Cent, who also initially had a deal with Columbia Records. 50's conflict
with the label wasn't the creative process -- it was the rapper's personal dramas
that created the tension.
According to 50 Cent,
Columbia Records abandoned him after he was shot nine times.
In a 2009 interview with
U.K.'s "Daily Mail," 50 Cent described the impact the executive decision had on
his psyche. "Being dropped by my record label hurt more than being shot," he
said. "I was shot in May 2000 when I was sitting in a car. You don't actually
feel each bullet hit you. The adrenaline is pumping and you're trying to get
out of the way."
50 Cent said the blow to his
ego was far more painful. "I had just signed to Columbia Records and they
dropped me because of the shooting. I could deal with every bullet wound but I
can't take that."
Within two years, however,
the rapper born Curtis Jackson had found a better label home on Interscope
Records, teamed with both Eminem and Dr. Dre. 50's Interscope / Shady /
Aftermath debut, "Get Rich Or Die Trying," released in 2003, definitely lived
up to its title, making 50 Cent one of hip hop's most successful rappers to
Arguably, the most shocking
of all the artist firings is the one that involved mega superstar Beyoncé, who
was previously in the girl group Destiny's Child.
Before calling themselves
Destiny's Child, the Houston-based group was known as Girls Tyme. In 1990, they
actually competed on "Star Search," but lost. Within a few years, they joined
The group moved to Atlanta to
work on an album, but the label decided to cut its losses, and dropped them.
Matthew Knowles, Beyoncé's
father and manager of the group, said that when the then quartet lost its recording
contract with Elektra, it made them work harder.
"That was the defining
moment, when they were dropped by Elektra," Knowles said when speaking to
students at the University Of Southern California last January. "I quit my job
and everyone thought I was nuts."
Knowles clearly knew what he
was doing. Destiny's Child made its debut on the soundtrack for the Will
Smith blockbuster "Men In Black," released on Columbia Records, the label they
would ultimately join. Alicia Keys also made her debut on that soundtrack.
Not only did Destiny's Child
set sales records for girl groups, it also spawned Beyoncé's solo career, which
includes a series of multi-platinum albums.
"American Idol," "X Factor,"
and "America's Got Talent" contestants should find some comfort in knowing that
the star grooming process involves massive amounts of rejection. They should
learn to take it in stride.
L.A. Reid's explanation for
why he let Lady Gaga go was revealed during a week full of shocking admissions
as outtakes from the televised Michael Jackson trial circulated throughout the
media. The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame announced the nominees for its 2012 induction
ceremony. Beyoncé admitted that her heightened sense of smell during her
pregnancy is causing her to hate her husband's cologne. And the reps for
country icon Randy Travis said the singer is recovering after taking a recent
fall on stage.
For Information About The Celebrities Web Builder Click here.
One of the
main themes of my happiness project is marriage
For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central
elements in my life, my home, and my happiness.
When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the
changes I wanted to make, I realized I had five particular problem
areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I
try to use to address them, though they remain challenging:
Demanding gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and
recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But
my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that
makes me feel angry and unappreciated.
In response, I now think more about
doing things for myself. I used to tell myself I was
doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put
all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the
trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t
appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because
I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!”
“I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!”
Because I do things for myself, I don't expect him to respond
in any particular way.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short
fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really
doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot
to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get
too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily);
I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess
makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I
try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and
cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I've
worked on this issue relentlessly for years, and still have a
really tough time with it. For instance, I spoke in a snappish tone
just last night.
3. Not showing enough consideration. . Studies
show that married people treat each other with less civility than
they show to other people -- and I do this with my husband, I know.
I'm working hard on basic consideration, such as giving him
warm greetings and farewells, not reading my emails while talking
to him on the phone, etc. Very basic, I know.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a
score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned
up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” -- that sort of
thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.
First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious
over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our
contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes
sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than
what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s
The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the
percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than
120 percent.” I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I
overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our our car. It’s
easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated
sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the
only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to
be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t
Second, I remind myself of the words of my
spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one
loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis
for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I
find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4),
it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and
instead focus on his flaws. For example, although I find it hard to
resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks
harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to
stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my
petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.
I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to
Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me
stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind, with my husband and my
daughters, too. KMHMTM is one of my very favorite resolutions! It
doesn't take any extra time, energy, or money, and it makes a
real difference in the atmosphere of my home.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term
relationship? Have you found any useful strategies for addressing
* I love the internet! For some reason, I was thinking about the
fabulous opening scene from the first
Austin Powers movie, and then I thought -- I bet I can watch it
on YouTube! And there it is.
Silly, hilarious. If I had to pick a personal theme song, that
music would definitely be a candidate.
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